Psychologischer Grundkonflikt, Selbstreflexion, Anteile

Dieser Blog sollte mir helfen, mich selbst zu reflektieren und es mir und anderen einfacher zu machen, Zugang zu Menschen wie mir zu finden. Seit meinem letzten Beitrag hat mich allerdings ein innerer Konflikt davon abgehalten, wieder mit dem Schreiben zu beginnen. Um gleich zu Beginn dieses Posts ein paar psychologische Fachbegriffe zu droppen, will ich euch diesen eben erwähnten Konflikt näher erläutern.

Ich spreche vom psychologischen Grundkonflikt,

genauer Zugehörigkeits-Selbstbestimmungs-Konflikt oder Abhängigkeits-Autonomie-Konflikt. Jeder von uns hat im Leben zum Einen das (Grund-)Bedürfnis nach Bindung und Nähe, zum anderen ein (Grund-)Bedürfnis nach Selbstständigkeit und „Freiheit“. Durch die scheinbare Gegensätzlichkeit dieser Bedürfnisse tun sich uns im Leben zwei Pole auf (topische Bipolarität), die unser gesamtes psychosoziales Verhalten beeinflussen. Die Ausprägung der beiden Pole formt in gewisser Weise die Reife und Stärke bzw. Belastbarkeit unserer Persönlichkeit. Das ist wirklich ein sehr interessantes Thema, ich könnte Stunden darüber lesen, reden und nachdenken. Störungen jeglicher Art können auf diesen Grundkonflikt und dessen individuelle Entwicklung zurückgeführt werden. Wenn ihr mehr darüber lesen wollt, klickt euch mal durch diese Adresse.

Ich bin trotz meiner Borderline-Persönlichkeitsanteile (mittlerweile) ein extrem selbstreflektierter Mensch, was das Ganze sehr kompliziert macht. Normalerweise ist es so, dass bei den meisten Borderlinern zumindest ohne Therapie die „Ich“- Wahrnehmung komplett gestört ist.  Zum Ich zählen Selbstwert, Selbstbild und Selbstbewusstsein. Es gelingt mir ganz gut, mein Selbstbild (wie ich mich wahrnehme) greifbar zu machen. Das ist in vielerlei Hinsicht, vor allem therapeutisch, sehr hilfreich. Jedoch bringt es mich immer wieder zur Verzweiflung, zu wissen, wo meine Probleme liegen und trotzdem keinen Ausweg zu finden. Im einen Moment bin ich stolz auf die Fortschritte, die ich mache und will sie mit meinen Mitmenschen teilen, im nächsten Moment schäme ich mich dafür und denke, was ich (hier) mache ist schwachsinnig und gefährlich. Über die letzten Wochen wurde Scham für mich zu einer Grundstimmung. Offen über seine Probleme zu berichten ist nicht ganz so einfach, wie ich es mir vorgestellt habe.

Immer wenn ich über mein Befinden oder meine Psyche rede, geht der Krieg in meinem Kopf wieder los. Da wird zum Einen ein Teil in mir aktiviert, der laut schreit, ich solle die Klappe halten und mich verstecken. Ein weiterer Teil wirft ein, was ich mir eigentlich erlaube, dass ich anderen mit meinem Rumgeheule so zur Last falle. Dieser Teil spielt mein Leiden so sehr herunter, dass ich mich dafür schäme, was ich bin und was die Auslöser mein Denken und Handeln sind. Es geht so weit, dass ich mich für traumatische Erlebnisse schäme und schuldig fühle, für die ich absolut nichts kann. Wieder ein anderer Teil schiebt Panik und sagt so etwas wie: „Alle werden über dich reden, du kannst niemandem vertrauen, sie werden dich auslachen…“

In solchen Persönlichkeitsanteilen zu denken ist übrigens typisch in der Borderline- DIS- und  PTBS-Therapie. Ich denke, das wird in Zukunft auch öfter in meinen Beiträgen auftauchen. Um weiterhin in meinen Bildern, die ich schon in vorherigen Posts benutzt habe, zu reden, nenne ich meine Persönlichkeitsanteile mal Berater. Diese Berater sind allerdings nicht wirklich loyal zu mir, denn sie lassen sich leicht von meinen Teufelchen beeinflussen und erkaufen. Ich muss an dieser Stelle lernen, dass ich trotzdem noch meine eigene Meinung habe, die über den Beratern steht. Meine eigene Meinung zum Umgang mit meinen Problemen ist, dass es mir gut tut, darüber zu reden und dass es mir egal sein kann, wenn die Leute darüber reden oder davon erfahren, weil das einfach ein Teil von mir ist, den ich selbst und andere akzeptieren müssen.

 

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