Kann mal bitte jemand den Strom abstellen?

Ertrinken muss ein schrecklicher Tod sein

Laut der Uhr sollte sie eigentlich schon seit einer Stunde im Bett liegen, um zumindest 6 Stunden Schlaf zu bekommen. Sie verdreht die Augen und geht ins Bad. Katzenwäsche, Zähne putzen und fertig? „Es ist sowieso schon zu spät“. Zufrieden sieht sie zu, wie das dampfende Wasser in die Badewanne fließt und der nach lavendel duftende Schaumberg wächst. „Genau das habe ich gebraucht“, stellt sie fest, als sie sich gemächlich in das Schaumbad sinken lässt. Sie beobachtet verträumt im Spiegel gegenüber, wie ihre Hände ihren nackten Körper herunterwandern.
Dann packt sie der Ekel. „Was hat dieser Job nur aus mir gemacht? Ich fühle mich manchmal wie ein Roboter, ich habe keine Zeit mehr richtig zu leben. Wenn ich doch einfach nur ein paar Tage für mich haben könnte…“ Sie holt tief Luft, dreht sich auf den Bauch und taucht unter. Das heiße Wasser betäubt ihre Sinne. Ein unangenehmes Kribbeln in der Lunge, als ihr der Sauerstoff ausgeht. Dieser Druck, der im Kopf entsteht – unausstehlich. „Ertrinken muss ein schrecklicher Tod sein.“

Jeder, der schon einmal ausprobiert hat, wie lange er die Luft unter Wasser anhalten kann, kann diesen Gedanke nachvollziehen. Es muss schrecklich sein, bei vollem Bewusstsein zu ertrinken. Doch genau so fühlt sich Borderline für mich manchmal an.

Kurzer Einblick in einen akuten Borderline-Zustand

Heute ist das wieder so. Dieser verf***te Druck in meinem Kopf bringt mich echt zur Verzweiflung. Als würde eine Hochspannungsleitung durch mich durchgehen. Kann mal bitte jemand den scheiß Strom abstellen? Ich kann mich nicht konzentrieren, kann nicht denken, komme zu nichts außer auf dem Bett zu sitzen und zu flehen, dass es aufhört. Genau wie beim Ertrinken fühlt sich meine Lunge an, als kollabiert sie gleich. Und ich muss mich sehr darauf konzentrieren, keine Panikattacke zu bekommen. Ein- und Ausatmen wird auf einmal zu einer anstrengenden Aufgabe. Alles um mich herum ist verschwommen und dumpf. Es kann doch nicht sein, dass Schmerz die einzige Möglichkeit ist, wieder Zugang zu mir zu finden. Dass Selbstverletzung die einzige Lösung für dieses Gefühl ist. Ich habe jetzt echt schon einiges versucht, was mir empfohlen wurde: auf eine Chilli beißen, Zimmer ausmisten, Bewegung… Aber ich schaffe es einfach noch nicht, mich so zu kontrollieren, dass diese „Skills“ etwas bringen. Raus traue ich mich in diesem Zustand auch nicht. Ich werde leider wieder zum Hilfsmittel 1. Wahl greifen müssen und das tut mir so leid. Ich wünschte jemand würde neben mir stehen und könnte mir sagen, was zu tun ist.

Ich veröffentliche das hier, um verständlicher zu machen, wie es mir und anderen Betroffenen in einem akut-Zustand geht. Das kann ich nämlich nicht beschreiben, wenn ich „normal“ bin. Das ist für mich auch eine gute Übung, mich selbst wahrzunehmen und hoffentlich bald wieder zu mir selbst zurückzukehren.

Bis dahin, peace

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